In her book, The Introvert Advantage, author Marti Olsen Laney, says the primary difference between introverts and extroverts is one of energy focus.
Extroverts draw their energy from outside themselves. A social gathering will freshen them up. They will be at their best when they are surrounded by people. They are drawn to public events out of sheer thirst for validation. An extrovert is essentially feeding himself off the outside.
Introverts on the other hand, draw their strength from inside themselves. Only in their own company, are introverts ever truly at home. Being in public drains them of energy and leaves them gasping for breath. In much the same way as an extrovert suffers in solitude.
Laney’s book is a must read. Being an introvert myself, and also someone who finds himself surrounded by extreme extroverts several times a month, I consider myself a fair bit of an expert on the topic. I have walked the path extroverts walk and lived to tell the tale. Here it goes.
Dealing with Introverts
An introvert may look like he doesn’t care for company. But he only looks like it. You could think of him as a sponge that absorbs data and impressions from all around him, all the time. He processes it in his own way. Even though it may not be obvious to you.
Not all introverts will be silent. Some will talk. But it will happen rarely and only in select company. An introvert probably won’t open up if he doesn’t know you well enough.
An introvert may sometimes be so focussed on a thought or feeling that his outward expression is affected. He may either look as if stoned / in a trance or too animated for no reason. Don’t judge him by what he looks like.
Try and understand that introverts need space. Sometimes, even a loud presence counts as an intrusion. Don’t be offended if the introvert shows signs of discomfort. It’s not you. It’s him.
All this is not to say that the average introvert is unsocial. The definition of society need not be a perfect fit for everyone. Introvert kids sometimes grow up with low self esteem because they think they should have been extroverts. Consideration helps.
Dealing with Extroverts
An extrovert may appear shallow and fickle, but he isn’t. His way of life requires socialising. This depends on accepted ‘party’ templates.
Extroverts value relaxation. But it does not mean sitting quietly and contemplating the ceiling fan. That would probably kill them. They need to be in the middle of sights and sounds. They need to feel busy to feel relaxed. Hard to grasp for introverts but essential in order to understand extroverts.
Extroverts may have more problems with discipline. While an introvert may think rules make life easier, an extrovert sometimes considers them hindrances in his path. This does not usually mean extroverts are rule-breakers by nature. They assert freedom their own way. Just like introverts do.
Extroverts don’t think as much as introverts do. They may even think out aloud. Don’t let this make you think they are incapable of silence. They are merely more vocal creatures.
You may also think extroverts are dumb because they don’t understand things you don’t say. Just say things you want to say. They will like you better for it. Remember, a lot of things they ‘say’ don’t make sense to you either.
One thing I have learned is that introverts and extroverts NEED each other. Try and imagine a completely introverted or completely extroverted circle of friends and you will see what I mean.
There are treasures both inside and outside one’s self. To be too focussed on one means losing out on the other. We don’t want that, do we? An occasional blink of curiosity, a nudge of understanding, and a passing smile that says, ‘I get you!’ will make us all rich.
Nice post about extros & intros! Quite knowledgeable, also! And, what about ambiverts?
I am an introvert myself and your description of introverts is completely in line with my own valuation of myself.
I want to be an extrovert. I feel like I’m missing out on a lot in life by not having the ability to be as socially adept as some of my friends and family members. I suffer from a huge inferiority complex (it’s easy to say on your blog that you think you’re the best, but that’s not necessarily the truth).
I’m glad to hear that my feelings are characteristic traits of introverts and that doesn’t necessarily mean that we are any worse than the extroverts out there.
@aayush You are one of the braver people I have met. It takes real guts to say you suffer from an inferiority complex.
While I am no expert, I can tell you some things.
If you consider yourself in a race with your extrovert friends, then perish the thought. A lot of them might be harbouring similar complexes. Try talking to some of them. You will easily be able to asses their innards. Its a natural introvert skill.
Better or worse are words. Many introverts I have met abhor exroverts. Some idolise them. Our culture also worships extroverts. But then, our culture worships a lot of wrong things. Don’t let it get to you.
Always remember, as an introvert, you can always pretend to be an extrovert. An extrovert can never pretend to be an introvert.
Hey, you’ve got a point there. I’m cheering up already. :p
@Aayush: Right handed folks… if they bind their right arm to their backs for a week, at the end of the week – they’ll start writing well with their left hands too.
Introversion & extroversion is like being lefty and righty. You’ll prefer one hand over another. But you can train yourself to overcome your preference too.
I suggest: take a public speaking class. Join toastmasters or something.
@vm: an extrovert can pretend to be an introvert too. If extroverts want to become introverts, take up something like yoga and meditation.
@Vijayendra: You will like reading up on “MBTI” profiles. Introversion and extroversion form just 25% of someones personality.
People can actually be categorized into 16 types based on their personalities.
Don’t you think most writers are introverts? My friend described introverts as people who would rather listen to their own thoughts than entertain someone else. I love that!
@srdash Thank you! Ambiverts are merely people halfway between intros and extros. Somewhere in the middle of the human nature spectrum. I guess that’s an enviable place to be in.
@shelly Hmmm… Probably. Kind of ironical isn’t it, that they have to do so much of socialising to sell books.
I really took a beating growing up a Introvert.So now when a extrovert starts sprouting with some small talk gibberish,I tend to roll my eyes and ignore it,Iam what Iam and make no apology to anyone..which gets me in trouble with my partner of 10 years,,and her family.
I have stuck to my guns and iam happier for it,A gang of one you might say.
For all those who are Introverts and think that there is something wrong with themselves..Its time to embrace your aloneness ,it will get easier but you must give up the hope of being understood, and dance on your own two feet
@Ankesh Public speaking skills have absolutely nothing to do with introversion. I rather enjoy public speaking and I’m nearly a 100% Myers Briggs introvert. No matter how comfortable I am with people or how good I get at making small talk I am still and always will be an introvert. Yes it’s possible to make life a little easier, but there is no need to “change” and become extroverted (this all sounds like talking about sexual preference!). MB types are set early in life and it is very unusual for them to change.